For My Mom on her Birthday

Dear Mom,

Today you are 50. You are officially old. I will forever torment you with the fact that you are such a geezer. I jest. I'm only 19 1/2 years behind you. I know my day is coming.

I wanted to write 50 things I like about you or memories I have of you. Please take your ADD medication before you begin. This may require some concentration. You can do it. 50 year old's are supposed to have a decent attention span. Ok, I'm just kidding.  Not even I have the fortitude to write 50 things all at once. But I came up with 25.
(My apologies to anyone who doesn't feel like reading 25 things about my mom ... this is for her. Not you.)

1. Remember when R1 and R2 were little and I wanted you to dress one in purple and one in pink? But then you reversed it? I was really mad at you. I called them by the wrong name all day just to show you how mad I was. Do you remember? I'm sorry. That was really juvenile of me. I should have known better. I hate to admit that I think this is my first memory. Can you forgive a three year old?

2. I like that you married Dad.

3. I like that you made Dad cut his hair when he turned 30. I'm glad you finally got rid of it. I wonder if you could have given it to Locks of Love?

4. I like that you make Dad wear the "good" sweatpants in public.

5. Thank you for not listening when your friends told you I would be ruined forever if you had more children. I am thankful for all the built-in friends you and Dad gave me.

6. I have never worried about loving another child. Because you once told me that love always multiplies. It never divides. You are right.

7. Thank you for being as excited with my fourth pregnancy as you were with my first.

8. Thank you for praying for our marriage when you thought it was falling apart. Remember that day? You came to pick me up for lunch and I was a blubbering mess and kept saying I had to get a hold of Officer Hottie? You know, the day I found out I was pregnant with Snuggles. Thanks for caring enough to pray.

9. Thank you for the $30 you gave me on my 21st birthday and telling me not to spend it on bills. Even though I was so broke it wasn't even funny. And then Officer Hottie lost it in the Albertson's parking lot. Now I'll never mention it again. (Maybe once or twice more. Then I'll be done.)

10. Remember when that stupid car broke down on me on my way to stupid college on the side of stupid I-5? And then the stupid towing company towed it? And we had to drive all over trying to figure out what stupid idiot towed it? And where it was and how I was supposed to get my stupid stuff out? Thank you for giving me the money to get my stuff out. And for picking me up. And for letting me  have a bad day.

11. Thank you for letting me take "Mental Health Days" while in school.

12. Thanks for only making me mow the lawn that time you caught me in the Taco Bell parking lot when I should have been in school. And then signing the form so I could write my own notes my senior year. And then letting me "go to the dentist" to watch Mariners play-off games. And sleep in.

13. Remember when I asked you if you'd ever smoked pot? And you freaked out and asked me if I was smoking pot? And then I said no? And you believed me. Thanks for believing me. I was telling the truth.

14. I can't believe you let us play under a double wide trailer when we were young. What I can't believe even more is that you encouraged it. Ok, I can believe it. In fact, now that I'm a mother with four young children, I'm thinking having four of your six kids under the trailer, where you knew we were safe and contained, and the house was quiet, probably kept you on the "more sane than not" side of things.

15. Treasure hunting under that trailer is one of the highlights of my life.

16. Thanks for not being mad when I hit the goose over the head with the frying pan. That stupid goose.

17. When my boys spit their gum on the car floor today, I was remembering that time in Mexico when someone squeezed the tube of toothpaste in the middle (you know where I'm going with this...) and you asked us all if we "had a mental block in (our) brain?" And then we couldn't stop laughing, even though you were ticked, because it was one of the funniest things you'd ever asked us. And then you laughed too. That's a good memory Mom.

18. Remember Mexico? And living in a trailer for six months? I remember getting married and then wondering how you and Dad spent "alone" time and then realizing ... oh, never mind.

19. You are brave. You allowed your son, and then your son and daughter, to live in a foreign country before we hit puberty because we "wanted to". You are brave.

20. Remember the week before I got married? And you called me while I was on my way to work and you were crying? And you said, "Remember when you used to call your bedroom the gebroom? And the kitchen the chicken? And now you're getting married!" And then I cried and had to pull the car over because I couldn't stop crying and laughing. You are the best mother.

21. I love that when I said, "I want my reception to be pretty" and then never thought of it again, you made it perfect and exactly how I dreamed about. It was actually better than I dreamed. Even on my wedding day I remember thinking, "Oh wow. I did not help with this at all. My mom is amazing."

22. Thanks for being at every child's birth. Except Little J. But even I would have missed it if you hadn't come to watch Snuggles. So thank you for that.

23. I'm sorry I'm not "IN". But Verizon sucks.

24. This memory is more about Spud ... but remember in Safeway, years and years ago, and he went running down the aisle, farting the whole way? And jumping and trying to hit the signs? And he kept farting? And we were mortified and laughing.

25. Remember when R1 and I took you out to lunch for your 50th birthday? And we had our children there and it was nap time and you were giving Evie her bottle and playing tic-tac-toe with Little J (even though he's a cheater) and all of my kids had to go to the bathroom all at once. Do you remember how I looked at you and thought, "I am thankful for my mom. I am thankful she is here. I love her. I love her. I love her." Maybe you don't remember that, but I do.

Mom, happy birthday. When I grow up, I want to be like you.